EAT YOURSELF FITTER!!
The programme: (Based
on a three day rapid weight loss regime as trialled scientifically
and extensively by 4 volunteers in May. No
responsibility can be taken by the author for any truth
that may emerge accidentally from this work. All
reference to persons deceased, alive, or
just really knackered is deliberate and all techniques
used here should not be replicated by untrained, unfit
or normally sane people).
Day 1: Preparation
Diet: Light
breakfast – cereal,
toast, coffee
Elevenses – bacon
roll
Lunch – pizza
slice and fruit salad
Afternoon
break (best
eaten in a garage forecourt) – Ginsters
pork pie, coffee
Dinner – Spaghetti
Bolognese, salad , bread
Evening – slices
of toast and butter as required
To drink: water
(liberally), coca cola (500ml), red wine (1 glass), beer
(3 cans)
Exercise: Do
none at all – get a friend to drive you around in
a car for a few hours. Walking to the toilet should
be enough exercise today along with opening the ‘fridge’ to
collect drink as above.
Try to not get enough
sleep on this night – if you can engineer an uncomfortable
bed or slightly too much heat in the room that should do
it. Nervous energy contemplating the next day should
assist also. Around 5 hours will be more than enough. Waking
with just a slight feeling of unease and a stiff neck is
perfect.
Day 2: The Main
Event (Open Controlled Trial – OCT)
Diet: This
needs to be split into several sections – remember,
only eat when you begin to feel slightly nauseous and try
to not have the ideal foodstuff to hand.
Breakfast 1 (eat
around 2 hours before usual breakfast time) – choose
any three of the following: Porridge, Oatibix, Toast
and Honey, Banana, Rice Pudding (small can) and wash down
with plenty of tea / coffee.
Breakfast 2 (eat
at around mid morning) – jam sandwich, slice of fruit
loaf (and keep two in pocket for later). Cup of tea plus
biscuit (optional).
Lunch (eat
around an hour before normal lunchtime): Finish fruit slices,
now nicely compressed and have two Fruesli bars and optional
sweets. Wash down with river water and take 200mg
of Ibuprofen.
Afternoon tea: (eat
around mid afternoon): Two jam sandwiches, a flapjack (and
put one in pocket for later), two cups of tea, orange squash. Try
to eat this meal whilst walking uphill in drizzle.
Late afternoon
tea: (about
an hour and a half later) another 200mg Ibuprofen, the
remains of the flapjack which you have now carefully
crushed up in your pocket, and a packet of crisps. More
river water. Try to jog a bit immediately after
eating. If still hungry try some sweets.
High Tea: (at
around 5 pm) 6 cups of tea, ham sandwich with pickle,
cheese sandwich with pickle, flapjack. After
a short break have two pints of beer.
Dinner: One
of the following: Whitebait, potato skins or soup followed
by pizza or pasta (bread roll optional). Drink two pints
of beer (and an optional extra two later).
To drink: Plenty
of water from streams, lots of orange squash and as many
cups of tea as you can and remember the all important pints
of beer after the evening meal.
Exercise: Keep
it minimal!! Between
35 and 39 miles should be enough today with plenty of
off-road included. Try to do a bit of running
and don’t overdo those climbs! Go for just 2 or
3 hills (like Scafell Pike, for instance).
Restrict movement as
much as possible in the evening but try to ensure a poor
night’s sleep by encouraging neighbours to have a
party and keep you awake with ‘banging hard core
dance mix etc.” until about 3 am. Try to only
sleep fitfully and if you get severe cramp that impedes
sleep, so much the better.
Day 3: The
Wind Down
Diet: Almost
back to your pre-regime normality but:
Breakfast:
Fried Egg, bacon, tomatoes, toast, cereal, orange juice,
banana and tea / coffee.
Try to have a bottle
of ‘energy drink’ handy in an unusual flavour
such as ‘cherryade’. It will taste strange
if the regime has worked.
Lunch: Optional – I
find that cheese on toast usually works well.
Dinner: Roast
Beef, Yorkshire Pudding, Potatoes, Carrots, Other veg,
gravy etc. and chocolate soufflé. Red wine
and optional beer.
Exercise: On
day three you should only walk when it is essential
to do so but try to watch other people doing
strenuous exercise (e.g. running the Windermere marathon
etc.)
Try to get a friend
to drive you around for a bit in a car to help your legs
stiffen a little.
In early trials, this
regime has been shown to cause a weight loss of around
8 pounds in 10 hours but then (if necessary) this can be
regained quite quickly afterwards. Side effects have
included wind burn, blackened toe nails, tiredness and
a tendency for observers to shake their heads and mutter.
Remember:
Gravity is your
enemy
Empty calories
are good calories
More is less
Mass is energy
Blue is the
colour (etc. etc. )
(abridged from
the book “Fit And Trim:
Begin A Standard Training And Running Diet” by
L. Vellin. 2008)
Dave Hicklenton
results on Achille Ratti website
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